The reason for the most recent decline in family harmony.

Diana threw her uniform down on the floor in front of the washing machine and breathed a sigh of relief. Ah! Friday! She only had to pick the kids up, make tea, clear up and then a well-deserved glass of wine would be heading her way. She enjoyed her job. She was a catering assistant in a school kitchen. It was not rocket science but she loved it. She had never been career orientated, she just liked to do a job and then go home to her family. She found herself musing about how close she came to not taking this job two years ago.

It was Marie who had actually suggested it to her. This was not as surprising as it seems. Relations were slightly better between the two of them back then - or at least Diana had thought so. Diana was between jobs at the time and Marie had asked if she fancied coming in just for six weeks or so to cover for another member of staff who was off with a broken ankle. It was definitely supposed to be temporary. Diana would not even have considered it otherwise, such were the stories of the awful people who worked there. On starting the job Diana was pleasantly surprised to discover that Marie had been lying through her unbrushed, yellow teeth. None of the people were anything like she (and many others) had been led to believe. To hear Marie speak was to believe that she hated the place, the job, the people and the kids. The chef, Paulo, was certainly not a favourite of hers. She liked to call him 'the cook' to his face in an attempt to demean him. Although Paulo was an Italian name the nearest he had actually been to Italy was the local takeaway. He was keen to 'big-up' his mediterranean roots though. Marie had described him as bad-tempered and unreasonable, incredibly tight-fisted, lecherous and perverse. Marie had also implied heavily that Paulo was in the habit of disappearing into the office with Delia, his second in command, for who-knew-what purpose. According to the ever-complimentary Marie, Delia was a spiteful, stroppy woman who had never liked Marie from the beginning. Apart from thinking that Delia must be a remarkable judge of character Diana had found the two individuals far from their descriptions. Paulo was indeed as tight as the proverbial ducks arse. He was fond of a double-entendre - as apparently his heritage dictated, rarely was an opportunity passed up. And he could be a little grumpy but he was generally quite good company. Delia simply had an air of no-nonsense about her and a lively, if sometimes a little naive sense of humour. Diana had definitely never been given the impression that these two married people were having an affair. Next on the list was Catrin. The eldest of the ladies in the kitchen, Catrin was from a large irish farming family and her youngest child had recently left the school. Marie had described Catrin as useless - in a word! Posessed of only two speeds - slow and stop! Marie had no interest in her, presumably because Catrin did not seem to concern herself with the banalities of who said what to who etc. Diana found Catrin a little quiet and prone to becoming a little low from time to time. Certainly she went at her own pace but Diana got the distinct impression that this was a lifestyle not something she saved for work. Catrin did, however have have a well developed sense of humour when she chose to employ it. Then there was Clarissa. It had been widely regarded amongst the staff that if anyone had been Maries' particular friend it had been Clarissa, certainly the woman herself could have been forgiven for thinking so. Diana had heard of Clarissa several years before she met her at work. Marie reported that Clarissa was brain-dead. Utterly ruled by her over-bearing husband who did not like women to think for themselves. It had grated heavily on Marie that Clarissa had been honest/foolish enough to admit that she worked in this kitchen for company, she really did not need the money. Marie was a very jealous and bitter woman. Diana quite liked Clarissa. She was sweet. A little more twee than Diana was accustomed to, but sweet. Yes, she could be fussy at times but in the ten months since Marie had left the job Clarissa had shown signs of a mischievous sense of humour. Diana almost felt as though she had been luring Clarissa to 'the dark side'. At Dianas wedding Clarissa had sported a glamorous and daring cleavage displaying dress. Hubby did not seem THAT controlling now did he!

The next set of people simply had to be recounted together. They were a group that Marie had described disdainfully as 'Dianas Cronies'. It had been a bitter pill for Marie to swallow that although she had been in the job for a number of years she had been unable to bond with these people and yet Diana arrived and, as a foursome they just clicked in that magical way that the best of friendships happen. Marie had described the ladies thus:- Jasmine - money-grabbing (which was a bit rich coming from Marie), always first to scoop any overtime, absolutely not to be trusted! She would pretend to be your friend and then stab you in the back as soon as look at you! Coleen - another one in the useless catagory. Walked around all day with a cloth in her hand pretending to be busy. Apt to skiving off with back problems when she was actually shopping or on holiday. Sherry - Pathetic! Mousey! Dithery! Over-sensitive! To Diana, these people were the best part of the job. Jasmine was a hard worker who loved a bargain almost as much as she loved a 'do'. She had a wicked sense of humour and was someone Diana felt able to confide in. They shared a similar sense of humour and a love of nosy fly-on-the-wall documentaries. Coleen was happy and funny. She never let Paulo get away with anything, not a sexist dig or a smutty comment and Diana had never seen anyone try so hard to find the good in absolutely everyone. Sherry had a heart of gold. She really would do anything for anyone if it was within her capabilities She was a sensitive soul who came from a close family and had an expectation that the world and the people in it were inherently good. This viewpoint had taken a bit of a knocking since she had met Marie.

Marie had moved on to pastures new these days and now worked in a local bakery. Before she had departed Diana and the 'cronies' had met at one of their houses and pooled their information in order to clear the air. Various whispers had reached them all and they were not comfortable with all that they heard and who they had all heard it from. Marie had been a very busy bee. Stirring and bitching to them all indiviually. The chief reason for this seemed to be bitterness at not being 'in the gang'. It reminded Diana of the childish games that Marie had played twenty years previously and indeed continued to play to stir up trouble between Katy and Diana. Diana had felt very touched and emotional to discover that although Marie had been whining about her to the girls for some months they had not batted an eyelid. They had discussed it between themselves and decided that they knew both women well enough that Marie's bitter ramblings could be dismissed as exactly that. As soon as Marie realised that she had been seen in her true colours she began looking for a new job. Once a new position was secured she went straight back to the whinging and the lying. Moaning to anyone foolish enough to listen that she had been forced out of a job she loved by her evil younger sister who had presumably mesmerised people Rasputin-fashion. The only thing that slightly riled Diana was that Marie had taken the time to gossip to some of the teachers. Apparently she had been overheard by a 'cronie' describing Diana as 'the village bike'. This bothered Diana because not only was it not true but Dianas' sons attended the school. Also it seemed a little odd that Marie talked with such authority about Dianas life when in fact she, Marie, was no part of it and so knew very little about her youngest sister. They had never moved in the same circles, mostly because Marie had never had a circle. It must be said though, that Marie was very fair in the distribution of her poison. She had told Diana some interesting, though unbelievable tales about some of the teachers she claimed to know well. For example: According to Marie, Miss Cricket the philosophy teacher frequently wandered the halls smelling strongly of some substance of which she partook which Marie could/would not name and she had. apparently, received a warning from the head for teaching a class whilst as high as a kite. For want of anything better to say at this point Diana had felt compelled to point out that no one used the phrase 'as high as a kite' anymore. Then, Marie told her there was a male teacher who had been warned to stay away from teenage girls. Diana often wondered whether Marie ever replayed these things back to herself in her head and realised how absurd she sounded. Drugs, lechery - around children? Listen to yourself woman!

At Dianas wedding she had introduced the girls to her best friend of twenty years, Avaline. They had all got on famously which delighted Diana no end. They were all now trying to synchronise calenders for a screening of the wedding dvd. Woo hoo! That was going to be a good night. Avaline was a feisty, opinionated whirlwind of a woman who shared Dianas slightly off-centre view of the world. It had recently come to light that Marie had told James, who had told his 'daddy' that Avaline was the 'Fleetwood Slapper'. Diana could not help thinking that Marie had an unhealthy obsession with how much sex people were having and that perhaps this was a reflection of something that was sadly lacking in her life. It was also a shame that Marie had formed and shared this opinion as Avaline had been the only person that Diana knew who had thought that Marie looked pretty on her wedding day. Unfortunately Dan, Avalines husband had also heard the rumours and was now eagerly awaiting an introduction to both the spineless James and the delightful Marie. Dan was a lovely man, usually very reasonable, but also a very loyal husband and .... built like a juggernaut! If he ever runs into the hapless pair I'll be the first to let you know.

How it all came to this!

Every now and again the siblings - Diana and Katy - would happen across James and Marie, perhaps at a rare family occasion, and they would find themselves lulled into a false sense of security by the pair. Diana and Katy's natural good natures meant that in their heart of hearts they longed for a normal family. Katy had been married for twenty years to a very peasant gentleman. Rob, the aforementioned husband, and Diana had not always seen eye to eye over the years due to a clash of personalities but had always remained civil and polite for Katy. Lately this situation had thawed into an altogether more pleasant experience. Actual socialising had even taken place. Diana had very recently married a delightful young man some nine years her junior. He had the lovliest family Diana and Katy thought they had ever met. Although John, Dianas' husband, only had one sister there were aunties, uncles and cousins galore and so far Diana had not met a single one that she did not like.

I digress. As i said, now and again Diana and Katy would have no choice but to be in the same location as James and Marie and occasionally these characters would be on their best behaviour and appear to be much improved. Diana and Katy would wind up giving them yet another chance only to find themselves on the receiving end of some further skull-duggery at a later date. In order to avoid this situation Diana and Katy made deliberate efforts to reminisce from time to time in order that all the misdeeds of the 'unusual' pair could be remembered and used to spare themselves further stress. These deeds ranged from the many times that James (as a child) had shouted and screamed to the parents that he was being beaten by his sister when in fact she was doing nothing of the sort and she, Diana, had received the occasional unwarranted good hiding,to the time that Diana had would up working in the same place as Marie and discovered sometime later that due to Maries' description of her, her new workmates had been expecting her to arrive for her first day in a mini skirt, crop top, push up bra and stilettos carrying a price list for her sexual services. Sisterly love huh! The sheer volume of lies that Marie had told over the years in an effort to cause Diana and Katy to no longer be friends and so commandeer Katy for herself defied belief. Diana thought that by far the worst act of all had happened approximately ten years earliers. Diana had split from her then partner of eight years and during a particularly heated debate the ex had jumped up ontop of her car and began jumping up and down on the roof. He followed this by running down onto the bonnet and attempting to smash the windscreen in front of her face with his foot and finally jumping to the ground and smashing a side window with his elbow. During all this Diana was not alone in the vehicle, her nine year old daughter Clair was also in the car, screaming and terrified. Diana had driven the damaged vehicle back to her new home and called her father and the police in that order. Her father called James - presumably for moral support - but James went to the ex's house without so much as a second thought to give him any assistance he could. This was an unforgivable act of treachery as far as Diana was concerned and she had had nothing to do with him from that day to this.

Now, I hope I haven't given the impression that Katy and Diana were dyed-in-the-wool, halo-wearing saints because they most definitely were not. Amongst their favourite stories were the time that they filled Maries sleeves on her nightdress with sanitary protection. The three girls had shared a bedroom as children and the prudish Marie was fond of the kind of nightwear that covered her from neck to ankle with long elasticated sleeves. One night Katy and Diana had filled the sleeves of the unattractive garment with tampons, towels and panty liners and lain quietly waiting for Marie to come to bed. As Marie thrust her arms into the long sleeves a fire-work display of paper and tubes exploded into the air. Marie had berated the pair for their childishness and swiftly kicked the items under her bed before anyone else could see them. The story that still reduced the girls to tears of laughter after each telling even twenty years later went like so :- Diana and Katy had decided to target the hideous nightwear again! Marie's nightgowns tied at the front of the neck (believe me, no one was getting a glimpse of her vest in a hurry). One memorable night Diana and Katy had tied the little ribbon until the hole in the middle would not have allowed through a tennis ball much less a human head. Again they waited and again Marie arrived eventually and began the laborious undressing saga. The nightgown went over her head and she hid in there, removing items of clothing until she was ready for the next stage. Finally she slid both arms into the sleeves. Normally at this point the nightgown slipped easily over her head onto her shoulders and was tied ... but not this time! No, the nightgown remained on the top of her head causing her arms to be held up in the air in the manner of a zombie. There was no muffled snickering this time. Katy and Diana screamed with laughter until they thought they might actually suffocate. They were almost positive that they would die from laughter and a lack of oxygen when it became apparent that not only could she not free herself but she would also not ask them for help, so instead she made her blind way down the very narrow staircase and the girls could hear her hands banging on the walls as she went.

And so here we are, Saturday 24th Jan 2009. Diana and Katy see each other regularly. They both have jobs, lives, friends, husbands and children who love them. They are both still in touch with friends from Primary School, High School, various jobs etc. And James and Marie? Not one friend between them from any school, any job. There were occasional fleeting 'friendships' with people that they were currently working with, but noone who felt inclined to keep in touch once they were out of regular contact. Marie had married some twenty years earlier but according to the many stories she had told to the staff when she and Diana had worked together, Marie wasn't particularly fond of him either. James had married in the last year or two but I'm afraid Diana had no interest in who to or where it was going because Diana had no interest in James! She did not like him, she did not hate him - she nothinged him - and she was happy for that to continue for the foreseeable future.

A small intro to the 'nut house' residents.

Once upon a time there was a boring housewife called Marie. Marie was not a very nice person and therefore had no friends. Her only ally in life was her brother, James who was similarly socially bankrupt. Because of their lack of social engagements James and Marie had too much time on their hands and had taken to making up their own stories and acting them out. James became so embroiled in the make believe world that he had become convinced that he was, in fact a spy and had begun to go everywhere with a notebook and mini camera in his pocket. He had even begun to record phone calls to his house in a surreptitious manner.

One of James and Marie's favourite games was to try to convince as many people as possible that they were being victimised by their siblings. The siblings had long since tired of this silly and slightly unhinged game and consequently gave the pair a wide berth. They were rarely concerned about the effects of this story-telling as they knew that James and Marie did not have enough brain cells between them to keep up with all their inventions and so frequently tripped themselves up or contradicted themselves so noone really paid them any heed. Most people merely listened politely and then went on their way - often shaking their heads at the bizarre duo and sometimes commiserating with the siblings for all that they had to endure.

I, for one, dear readers always wondered why James never told the story of how he came to leave his job as a security guard. I myself might never have known the truth but for having a couple of acquaintances who are themselves security guards, but that readers is a story for another time ....



The characters in this story are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.